Three Steps Back

by Costly Freefall

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01:24

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Birthday demos 2016
For Mom.

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released July 18, 2016

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Costly Freefall Salt Lake City, Utah

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Track Name: Later Than Now
Though I haven't seen or held you, my darling
For seven days now, I still feel you here

I haven't seen your face since you left me
For the better I--, will not forget

I never said "I love you"
just to elicit your response
But now my ears ring
for averted eyes

Your averted eyes

It's easy to forget what you've taken
When placed out of sight, buried 'neath the dirt

But I can't help remember that plot of loosened soil
Where you lie now, forever seeking rest

Now I long for a time, much much later than now
Where I can smile, and remember all
Not just the bad, but too the good

But i won't fill this void with an emptiness of a different ilk or shade
I'll just wait to cease to be afraid
Track Name: Close My Eyes
Oh, If I hadn't thought to bring my heart to you
Gray skies could share with blue
What's lost cannot be found

In the same book, we're stuck on different pages
I've been reading it for ages
I think I'll put it down

And though it hurts to close my eyes
This selfish sacrifice
Heals me slowly

And though it hurts to fantasize
What we could have made of our lives
Had we only...

What could I be? Other than lonely,
With you? Only with you.

I wish I'd known a better way to make mistakes
Because the path that pushed me to you, left me broken and afraid
I never should have second guessed how literal, this fatal flaw

I've grown to always view myself as second-best
But half-step above the rest
Self-defeating egotist

Makes it hard to believe there's something better
That won't leave me playing debtor
Trembling below the wrist

And though it hurts to close my eyes
This selfish sacrifice
Heals me slowly

And though it hurts to fantasize
What we could have made of our lives
Had we only...

What could I be? Other than lonely,
With you? Only with you.

I wish I'd known a better way to make mistakes
Because the path that pushed me to you, left me broken and afraid
I never should have second guessed how literal, this fatal flaw
Track Name: Neither God nor Demon
With neither god nor demon to keep me here
It makes it a little harder to sleep
Although it can't be said I'll "wait in fear"
I'll stay here (mostly alone) aware that I never could
Ever hold you the way that he would (if not for me)
Being held, held by you

I should have seen this coming, but the falsehood felt so true
The best of times have given way to worst
It seems only right to me, those highs beget this low
With only hope that I, am broken for the better
Uncomfortably numb shall I, abandon, destroy, repeat (and then rebuild)
Until I'm a little more sturdy

God, please grant me another day to read between the lies
These anguished nights have left me tired, and the lines seem gaussian now
As I turn away from you, the vice on my chest clamps down
But only for now

I've heard that worry is a waste of imagination
But there's nothing else in my mind
Except scenarios that leave me wanting
For a reality that isn't based in a dream
For just one day with you extending past a single scene (left obscured)
From all but me

God, please grant me another day to read between the lies
These anguished nights have left me tired, and the lines seem gaussian now
As I turn away from you, the vice on my chest clamps down
But only for now
Track Name: Seafarer
I really haven't thought of you for weeks and years and days
And I hope that it's been the same for you
For life feels so much simpler now without you at my side
My thoughts (alone) are left for loftier things

I'll take the blame of our dissensions
If it brings your stormy heart to shore
So flee the sea, abandon apprehension
Return to the home you knew before

But as for me, I'll leave this pier so you can dock in peace
Square one is not life's worst place to start
But keep in mind that I am gone and never coming back
No matter that you have my heart with you